nothings gonna change my world.

what being strong really means.

why do people think crying and admitting your wrong is a ” weakness” last time I checked being able to cry and admit to your wrongs was a strength, some of the most strongest and humble people I know carry this quality. 

I think when people are really inscure with themselfs they tend to build up there ego, by making everyone around them seem week, and inferior, when really there the ones struggling with there own inner demons. I for one would say I’m a fairly confident person, this has definitely been a work in progress though. I was once a very shy and insecure girl, I would re-direct my angry and blame my problems on everyone else, anyone i could; but my self. I now can say I’m free of that and have never felt better. I don’t let people push me around and I really focus on those that matter in my life. I have grown up a lot and I”m really starting to see the beauty in life. The beauty in the simply things, they are there; you just have to look fro them is all, I think we get so caught up in our ” day to day routine” that we forget to do that. but once you do I promise you will see a huge change in your life.

soo I’m prett sure if complections doesnt happen this year, I will either be travling or going to kenya. I know I wanna travel in my life and i figure theres no time better then now. this however is my ” backup ” plan. I really do wanna go to comlections so lets hope that works out, but honestly there is that one sideof me that whats to just be one wit nature, see things you never dreamed of seeing and really just experiencing the world and being emursed in a different culture. 

today I feel weak, I feel like I’m dealing with a lot of issues that nobody can help me with, and that is a very hopeless feeling. It’s like i want my teenage years to be over and begin my life, but then when I really actually think about it I just wanna be young forever and not have to grow up. I wish i was still young and naive because this whole ” wise ” thing really isn’t as cracked out as it seemed to be, I wish i didn’t know about  death, drugs, money, abuse, failure, doubt and hate all those things that make my mind go on the ” brain train” I just wanna be happy ? is that so god damn hard. 

I dont wanna worry about not getting accepted into complections, or not having enough money to go there next year, I dont wanna think about death and loosing the people i love most around me. The thought of being away from hannah or my mom scares me to death. They are the people i can count on and depend on, the people that make me happy when I’m sad, and who brighton my day. I dont know what i’ll do without them.

It’s a bitter sweat sorta thing, on one hand I’m so excited to start my life, to chase after my dreams to show everyone that i made it, and to just be happy, but on the other hand i wanna curl up in a ball watch hannah montana n my p.js and just stay a kid for ever, no worrys no obligations and certainly no stress.

I wanna feel free, I wanna see the world and I wanna explore, but its like im too fucking scared ? I can honestly say this blows.

Ughhhh